Life in the Light

Since 2020 put on a documentary about the Appalachian people and their poverty stricken communities, several ministries have traveled there for evangelism and releif efforts. Diane Sawyer visited these small communities and found that all of them were sick and dying at young ages. The toddlers had total tooth decay at 2 and 3 years old. Apparantly, they are all addicted to mountain Dew, since it acts as an anti depressant. They are so addicted, in fact, that they put the stuff in their baby's bottles.

A friend of mine who attends IUS recently traveled there on a mission trip. This is what she shared with me:

The Appalachian's are the poorest in the nation. They don't have vehicles. They can't afford to go to the dentist, to buy glasses, or even recieve prenatal care. They literally only have the shirts on their backs. Many of them make their own moonshine distilleries just to have some kind of decent income. (My friend began to cry at this point) I met a young man who was working as a cashier in a local grocery store. He asked me if I was part of the mission who had come to town, since I was wearing a t-shirt with my churche's name on it. With tears streaming down his cheeks, he thanks me. He said that he is finally going to be able to get the glasses he desparately needed."

Margie told me many great things that happened there. People were saved. People were healed. Familie's were given food, clothing, all the necessities. God really moved and touched people there - a community that is hidden from the rest of the nation, and a place where most people don't even realize exists - slowly is being completely transformed by the Grace and love of God.

Keep Margie and the mission in your prayers.

I am now officially six months pregnant with Asher Don Thomas Graf. Raines and Asher..A year and four months apart. I love those names!! Raines is after a famous baseball player, because Gary and I both love baseball, and Asher means happy, blessed and lucky. I'm excited, but ready to not be pregnant anymore. Peeing while laughing gets old, and Gary makes me laugh a lot. One happy little family - couldn't ask for more. We are so blessed.

Well, I have 3 semesters left of classes before graduation. I'll be a general communication major and spanish minor...screw a spanish major...it just takes way too much time to study for Spanish. Maybe I'll come back and finish it later when I have the time.

Raines is trying to talk so hard. He knows what he wants to say - you can tell - he jsut doesn't know how to form the words yet. He's 11 months old, and will be a year November 19th. I'm so excited. He's getting so big. He's a month premature but he is still developing advanced. He has six teeth already, eats everything, and is trying to walk..walking is hard for him. he stands up and then lets go of whatever he's holding on to and then falls... I love how no matter waht he gets back up and tries again. He's my little hero..he's also my little helion. He's got his daddy's mischevious smile..and behavior. He hits, kicks, bites, and scratches, most of the time just for fun and sometimes because he's angry. but I wouldn't have it any other way.

well, time for an exam.

until next time

this is life

Hello all.

We just got a third pitbull the other day. He is a seal and he is going to be HUGE! I love it. His father's head is gigantic. He is going to be our guard dog...I'm actually going to train him rather than let him run around like an itiot like my other ones. Gary's pit is the dumbest. He babys him too much. He runs at you and knocks you down on teh ground, and then licks you to death.

I am about 3 months pregnant, possibly with twins. I am waiting on a new ultrasound. I hope that I have twins, that way we will have our three kid limit and I can get gary neutered. lol.

Raines is nine months old. He has four teeth now and gets more beautiful every day. He thinks he can walk, so he pulls himself up on the coffee table and then lets go...and then falls and hits the floor like a rock. lol. He has had his share of bumps and black eyes. I hate it when he cries. We jsut put him in his front facing, new booster seat. He is a big boy now and he loves it. But as soon as we start the car he falls asleep. It's so cute.

I love my spch communication classes. They are pretty hard because of all of the research we have to do. But I think they're right up my alley. I hate my Biology class. It is so boring. Im' skipping it right now lol.

Gary is still supervisor at pagent. He is trying to get his felony expunged so that he can go to school for criminal justice. I'm so proud of him. Now not only is he a great guy adn an awesome dad, but he is going to be an educated one lol. I tease him all of the time because he has really bad grammar, and I tell him he has to learn how to talk...he says if he works inharrison county he'll fit right in. He says was when he should say were nad vice versa..how does somebody get that wrong? But that's just another reason why I love him. :)

I'll post some more pics of the baby later.

i realized today that more is never enough. I'm almost graduated with a double major in spch comm and spanish, I have a great job at what has just been placed the #1 largest gaming casino in the world with amazing opportunities to climb the success ladder, and I have a perfect, beautiful family. But all I could seem to think about was the future, tomorrow, and how much more I could get. Then I had to stop myself...good God, I should be reveling in the moments of each and every day! Then I started thinking today about what people fill all their time up doing and I came to a sad conclusion. I Realized that most of us hide from our identity. WE work so hard to buy cars, if that's our niche, jet skiis ( my niche..I'm so close to getting one!), we buy dogs to breed, or we volunteer at the American Red Cross, or we spend day and night keeping our home immaculate. But strip all of these things away, and then we can see who we really are. Take away the tv shows that occupy and dull our minds...take away the bars and parties on the weekends, the fishing trips, the hobbies and goals that we kill ourselves trying to pursue. Take it all away, and what have you got.....well, that's interesting really...because I honestly think that most people would answer that question with, "I dont' know?" And then what I find even more disturbing is that there really isn't anything there, because we've kept ourselves hidden for so long that a part of us becomes lost. Our purpose, our calling, the human being God so delicately and uniquely created each of us to be slowly dies admist a life that we think we want..think we need... think we have to have. I am enjoying being poor right now. It keeps me in perspective. I am not one hundred percent sure exactly who I am, but I know what I am not, and I think that is a good start. It can be counted a blessing not to have THINGS to identify us. We are so much more. But there we go, day in, day out, doing things, going there, buying that... vanity, vanity, all is vanity.


A casino manager made me get rid of my nose ring today. I was highly upset. I'ave had that thing for a while and I LOVE IT. Gary loves it too..He'd like my whole body covered in peircings adn tattoos if he had his way about it. But that nose ring was like a part of me....wow, I'm identifying myself with a shiny fake diamond....I don't care -I want it back!!!!!

The few of you I talk to from Christianwoman, check out my pics, I"ve got some new ones on there :)

Your skin is never as pretty...in fact there are a few blemishes, bumps, a few more wrinkles and without a doubt dark bags under your eyes.

Your hair is never quite the same...a little more frizzy.

Your makeup used to make you look great, now it's just sufficient..better than going without it.


When you look in the mirror naked, you don't look for very long and then try to quickly forget what you saw - it's not God's will for a Christian to be depressed lol


Your house is a wreck and no matter how many times you clean it it NEVER stays that way.


You feel tired all of the time, but you fight through it because your baby needs his mommy to play and snuggle and teach and explore life with him


God I love being a mommy

Hey Aaron, thanks for reading my blogs..


I'm sooooo tired. I Just got Raines to sleep...If he's not asleep, he is demanding to be held, and if he's not held, he's screaming his head off. I've finally got a digital camera and can put pics online now. yay. :) I will have a few pics of him online here soon.

I'm sooo tired. Gary will be home from work around 1:00 and I hate being by myself at night. It's not fun, especially out in the country. We got two pitbulls because we thought they would eat people if they came to the door; but that didn't work out cause they're big fat babies and might lick yout o death.

just started a job at caesars. Very very veeeery tired.

We're trying to have another baby so Raines can have a brother that's close in age to him. am I crazy? ...yeah, yeah I think I am. WEll good night.

I realized this weekend that I spent most of my life trying to get to 21...the age of complete and total freedom; What I didnt' realize all of these years growing up is that I would have to turn 22...then 23, 24 and so on. I was supposed to turn 21 and stay there forever. Now begins the process of getting old. So Happy Birth day to me.


This weekend has been awesome. We went fishign all day and all evening yesterday. He caught more than me of course. Raines is starting to sit up on his own and hold his own bottle. He is sooooo strong and beautiful.

I'm glad heaven is like life here and now, only better. I love life now. especially summer. I look forward to the summer breeze I will experience on the New Earth with Jesus Christ..I wonder if we'll be allowed to fish though, since nothing is supposed to die....probably not. OH Well, there will be plenty of htings to do to replace it. I think the first thing I'm going to do on the New Earth is go exploring..no, no, the first thing I am going to do is run. I have never been able to really run very far, very fast, without getting out of breath. I am going to try out the new legs God is going to give me, and I am groing to run run run run. yeah...that's going to be great.

Today is a great day. I get to stay home with my sweet little boy and enjoy him ALL DAY LONG! You don't realize how blessed you are until you see how bad some situations are...like that cyclone that wiped out ovre 50,000 people...actually, I think it was the earthquake in China that wiped out the 50,000, but regardless, people are either dying, dead, or left with literally nothing. I have so much, and this morning I realized that in the house we are renting, we have plenty of food, water, and many other material accessories that we don't thank God for near enough. I almost complained this morning about only having 10.00 in my bank account. But the holy spirit spoke to my heart about how fortunate I am ...then I decided to give it to Operation Blessing to help the people in the cyclone. I realized that if I would use that 10.00 on myself, I would still end up in the hole of debt I've dug this year...if I give it, it will genuinely help someone in need. Scripture promises in the New Testament that if we support the ministry, God will supply all of our needs in Christ Jesus. In context, Paul was speaking to those who were supporting his ministry - God doesn't promise to take care of us if we don't do our part. I know this money will support the Kingdom of God, and I know that God will support my family. He always has, and I know that he always will. :)

satan can attack all he wants to, and I know God won't let more be put on my shoulders than I can handle. This year I suffered with health problems. Problems in my pregnancy, Gall bladder problems which I would rather have hard labor ten times over again than have a gall bladder attack again...the pain is absolutely unbearable. And now I have some stupid skin condition. But God is still good and worthy to be praised and worshipped. I love the fact that when I do through crappy stuff, God teaches me what I need to learn, and then gets me through it stronger, wiser, and happier. What's so cool about that is the fact that satan can't keep you down..every bad thing he throws at you God uses to your advantage and then delivers you from it. The devil can't win!!! How awesome is that! I haven't passed with flying colors lately, but the Lord is even faithfull through my unfaithfulness. But in the end it's like everything still works out and I come out on top, without even the smell of smoke from the fire I just endured.

My Dad went to the Doctor last week and had his cancer tumors checked. They have gotten smaller! And also, there appears to be no internal spread...This means that a type of cancer that is INCURABLE, RAPIDLY SPREADING, and been known to only give people two to three months TO LIVE is in REGRESSION!!! Praise Jesus!!!!!!!!!! Praise God for healing him and praise God for the alternative medicines that he has put at our disposal to use. I asked God for the medical wisdom of how to combat this cancer without chemo, becuase I knew Dad's body couldn't withstand it, and he revealed it to me. It wasn't working at first until I started praying that God would keep Dad's body healthy enough for the herbal medicine to start working. And he did. He always hears us, and more than not, he gives us what we ask for, even sometimes when it might not be the best thing for us. BUt he does that to teach us to trust him, because he knows what the best hting for us is.

well, time to clean house.

One might think it bad thing to be lost in translation...to be thrown into a giant melting pot of culture, language, ...everything that is foreign to you and have to not only translate the words of that culture, but the culture itself.

I don't think the author of "lost in Translation" is whining about how hard his experience was; I think he is trying to tell us something much greater.

I think some people try to become who they are too soon. Some writers write yet with a loss of words and not quite enough mmmmph to rattle the world. Some musicians are still bland or worse yet, they follow the crowd in contemporary "it's all been done before" crap. So what's wrong with these people? Are they not creative, talented people? Of course they are. They simply have not been lost in translation.

I couldn't help people find common ground or a place of truth and harmony between traditional Christianity and the Charismatic movement until I was plunged into a Christian church traditionalist University with penecostal roots. I was lost in translation, but here is the awesome part. The lost then becomes the translator. He or she takes what has been learned from both languages and translates for others, meshing together words and phrases, and in essence, becoming a creator. There is an enlightenment or place where the two meet and become one, and the creator takes those experiences with him on to new experiences that may meet with the old.

This is beautiful really. Like my son...he hears puppy bark, and in his little mind that is constantly growing and expanding,it is nothing more than an odd sound that he hasn't heard before. He then sees the vicious three pound chihuahua that produced the sound, although until he hears and sees her bark, she is nothing more than a small black bouncy mass of fur. but oh how his eyes light up when he sees and hears her bark! He has now identified that ferocious noise which before as a noise itself confused and frightened h im! The bark and the dog have now become one.he can now move on to more animals with the experience of the barking dog in the back of his mind.

God can't use someone who hasn't been lost in translation long enough. We go through experiences to help others through theirs. That's my period of life right now..being lost...hopefully I'll never be caught in a place where I'm found.



other things....

LOVE BEING BACK IN SCHOOL! I had my gall bladder removed a couple days ago and the anesthetic has been causing me to pass out and have panic attacks, but I don't care, I've been getting rides to class just to get there. I love my fine arts class. I used to hate fine arts, but I took it to broaden my perspective. I'm at the point now where all I want to do is stay in college and learn stuff....big difference compared to the person I was a few years ago. stinks leaving Raines though...he's so amazing.

He's almost six months old the 19th and he is already saying mama. He's soooo smart!!!! We lie out on blankets in the yard and watch the birds fly over and he talks for hours in baby talk. I pretend to understand what he is saying and I talk back to him. H eloves nature. He loves food too..green beans, sweet potatoes, (baby food of course). He's talking to me right now and blowing bubbles all over my arm. lol One of my goals for himis to help him experience and learn as much in this life as possible. Babies are born lost in translation....I wonder where some loose that about themselves.

This kid is resillient. I gave him poison ivy and it went away in two days. Gary and I went fishing like the country bumpkins we are and came back with it. Not to mention we almost were bitten by water mocasins ( or however htat's spelled) there were two of them and Gary almost stepped on one...he loves to wade fish..it freaks me out sometimes not knowing what's in the water with me. The funny thing about that is he is actually afraid of swimming in the water. anyway, more about Raines. his grip is strong. I'm surprised he's as perfect as he is..his grandpa rolled over and dropped him off the couch, and then he rolled off the couch and fell on his bakc, hitting his head after that. LIke I said, resillient. you don't know anything about life and love until you have a family of your own...before that, your perspective is so narrow, and prideful. I am truly fullfilled in my life right now.

Praise report:

According ot the doc my dad should be dead here in a month from the rapidly spreading cancer. I got him on some alternative meds and have been praying for him...the tumors have went down praise the Lord!!! and no spreading internally.

WEll, enough for now. Have to make my honey some dinner before he goes and coaches his softball team to victory tonight!! Yay southcentral!!

My son, Raines Michael Graf, is four months old tomorrow. It is absolutely amazing watching him grow. At 2 months all he did was eat and sleep, and occasionally stare at the wall. He went from that to laughing, giggling, blowing bubbles, playing with certain toys, eating cereal and rolling over. He is the most beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed baby I have ever seen in my life. At birth I wasn't so sure he was gonna be cute...2 hours with his head stuck between my pelvis bones led to a condition my husband and I refer to as "conehead." But his head is perfectly rounded now, and he has a smile that will melt your heart. His eyes are a mixture of ours...his daddy has really bright blue eyes, mine are dark brown, so Raines has dark blue eyes.

Today's precious moment: Raines was lying on my arm asleep around 4:00 this morning. AT around 7:00 I woke up to him staring at me with a huge smile on his face. It was as if he was saying, "Good morning Mommy! Rise and shine!!" That truly makes my entire day.

Today's funny moment: I took his diaper off to change him today. He grabbed his pee pee and looked at me in astonishment like he was saying, "where did that come from!" It was really cute.

Sitting in the back middle of the room, with many heads in my line of view, I could still see her bright red hair - it was actually kind of glimmering in the dull light. It was more colorful and more vibrant than all of the flowers surrounding her. It was rather odd to see her lying so still - when she was alive, she was either pacing the floor, talking with her hands, yapping away, trying to hug me or doing her little hand shake. But point being, she never sat still. I think what was even more odd to me was that she was frowning, and even when Amanda cried she still had a grin on her face. But hten I had to remind myself that that was not her to begin with. It was nothing more than dirt. Mom came with me today. That was cool. Gary was at work, so he couldn't come; I think that's kind of good anyway. Gary holds his emotions inside and acts as if he is stone - going on with life like nothing ever happened. I dont' want him to have to bear my emotional mess on top of his own repression.

Our youth pastor, who was extremely close to her had to do the funeral- not only that, but it was the first funeral he had ever done. Here are a couple of highlights..if there is such a thing at a funeral:


*Her grandparents said going to walmart with Amanda was like going to wal mart with the PResident of the United states (when we all liked him). She had to stop and tlak to everyone she knew, and SHE KNEW EVERYONE, and everyone knew her. They said they knew it would be a very long trip if Amanda was going to be with them.

*Her Grandpa would drop her off at church adn then pick her up afterwards...he would sit out in his truck and wait, and wait, and wait, and wiat some more...Usually Amanda was the last person to leave. Her Grandpa never complained, and it probably wouldn't matter if he had.

*Amanda knew what it meant to love people. She talked to EVERYONE, she took the time for anyone who needed it and appeared genuinely interested in them.

*Kevin's son named Isaac never could pronounce her name, so he called her Lee Lah...it kind of stuck with her so everyoen at church started calling her that too. She was always happy if she had a baby or little kid in her arms, and they all loved her too.

There is no possible way to sum up someones life in a couple of paragraphs. The immensity of a human being cannot be put in a couple of words. All I know that Amanda impacted the lives of literally everyone she met, and I do believe that she is living in a place that she is being rewarded for that.

Amanda Ekhart was 19 years old and a very good friend of mine. Around 6:00 yesterday evening she was driving too fast around a curve in Laconia, IN, next to the firehouse and she hit a truck pulling a trailer head on. It hit her car so hard that it turned completely around and the truck was found on top of it. The Decker family lives right next to the place where it happened. In fact, as soon as they heard the crash they ran down to the sight and had to bust the windows open to get Amanda out of the car before the fire spread and burned her body. She was dead on impact..broke her neck.

Memories:

Amanda was the most outgoing and non-judgemental person I have ever known. She always had a hug and a smile for me and everyone all of the time. Even during her hardest times she kept a smile on her face. Every Sunday after church she bought me a big red and would never let me pay her back. She had a huge heart for people and whenever one of her friends was hurting or introuble she cried with them, prayed for them, and hurt for them. Amanda's Mom never had anything to do with her, her dad was about the same although he came aruond more than her mom. She lived with her grandparents here in Laconia. She had a very hard life, but made the best of it.

One of my fondest memories of Amanda is when I talked her into going with me after church one day to go get her hair done. She always had long red hair and she always kept it up in a pony tail. I practically had to drag her into the hair salon. I got her to chop it off and add layers. She hated it at first, but it grew on her for the first couple weeks. A month later she was back to the same hair in a pony tale, basket ball playing tom boy she always was. she always wore blue jeans with the bell bottoms, a t-shirt and usually a hoody every day. Dressing up to her was a white oxford and maybe some khakis, but she always went comfortable. she had a lip peircing and eyebrow peircing, adn had tattoos of stars on her ankles, and a few other places. She loved tattoos and stars. Amanda was always one who kept her pain inside, and it was always hard to get her to talk about things. She would tell you if she was doing ok, and if she wasn't. What really bothers me is about a week ago, I saw her in Church that morning, adn I aske dher how she was. Usually if she said, "Not so good" I would sit down with her, pick it out of her, pray with her and t ry to help her through it. Last weekend I asked her, and she said she was having trouble with drugs. I told her not to give up and to keep coming to ch urch and getting in God's presence. I didn't sit down with her becuase I was too busy with my own life to. I blew her off, and man, how I wish I would have taken the time. She'd been getting high the past two months. She was really going down hill, and I saw it, but I guess I Just figured it would work itself out. And now she's dead. No more will I get to see that big cheesy smile and thumbs up when I walk into Sunday mornign service. She's gone, and depending on where she went I may or may not ever get to see her again. I miss you, and I realized last night just how much I love her. There's so much more I could write. I remember how she never thought she was pretty, but I thought she had the most beautiful dark hazel/brown eyes I'd ever seen. Her favorite drink was Mountain Dew, and I Think that's why she was wired all the time. lol. She hugged a lot. She laughed A LOT. In fact, I think her life's mission was to make the people around her laugh. She was alwyas buying people things and giving her m oney away. Her grandparents freely gave to her and she freely gave to everyone around her. It's ashame how some parents don't think about how their actions have consequences on their children. Amanda had so many bondages, demonic influences and bitter pains in her life that haunted her every day. But I think the thing that bothers me the most is that Amanda told me the only thing she really wanted to do in life was get married adn have a BUNCH of kids. She was always baby-sitting, or taking care of the newborns, infants, and little kids in the church. Adn they LOVED her. She doesn't have the chance to experience having her own now. If she made it to heaven, then I know she'll have a chance to take care of them there who have been aborted and passed on. but I'm just not sure yet. i loved her so much and I hope she knew just how loved she really was by everyone. But she's gone and I have to let her go now. So for everyone who knew her and loved her,

AMANDA, WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!!!

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Don't just take your doctors word for it.

Only a year ago I had decided that I was not going to get married at least until I was 35; in fact, I didn't really want much to do with love anymore at all. I definitely wasn't going to have children for a VERY long time, if ever. I was going to finish school first, get my career giong, get financially stable, have a big house, indoor pool and a social life then MAYBE I might consider going on A date. Boy can a lot of things change in less than a year.

Now I look at myself the way I was a year ago I'm having a difficult time relating to her; I haven't found a trace of her left inside me as hard as I've searched and I realized that everything I stood for I have now completely stood against. As of right now, June 7, 2007, I am married, 4 months pregnant, with a little yellow house and white picked fence and a pet dog. OMG!!! I'm still in school though...which is a plus. But it's amazing what all this has taught me. I used to think that families and the average husaband, wife, pet dog and 2.5 kids was the most unfulfilling, and boring life a person could live. I've tried to avoid it at all costs. But oddly enough, now all I can seem to think about throughout my day is waiting for my husband to come home...waiting to fix his dinner, listen to how his day went, kiss him even though he's covered with dirt and oil from a long h ard day's work, and anticipate whatever time I get to spend with him until the evening ends. Sometimes we go out, sometimes we just stay home and curl up by the tv and snuggle, or sometimes we just go to bed and I'm wrapped up in his huge, strong arms. No matter what we do, it's all I want to do. Now I know why God said it's not good for man to be alone. Now I know why marriage is such holy thing,and why sex is held so high as a very holy and precious act of love. It's all designed to bring a man and a woman as close together as two human beings can get, and other than the love affair one can have with God, it's the greatest relationship a person can attain.

I used to think that marriage was for the birds because of all the fighting, the lying, the hurtful words and eventual divorce or separation. But I realized that when you truly love somebody, and they feel the same for you, y ou automatically find yourself giving and taking, putting down your pride and lifting up his/hers, hleping one another, supporting one another, encouraging one another. These kinds of marriages are so few and far between because people are so full of themselves, and trust me, my marriage is no where near perfect. We do argue and there are things to work on. But now I h ave refuted another false idea I once had, that marriage really isn't so miserable after all. It's awesome. It's awesome to have someone there when you need them, awesome to not be alone, to share your thoughts, your heart, y our feeligns with someone and it stay between the two of you...it's just amazing and one of the highest and greatest blessing of God.

I don't know if it's a boy or girl yet. Im' at about 14-15 weeks and I get my next ultrasound around 22 weeks. I'm so excited!!! my belly isn't big yet,but I'm told I'll get huge around my 5-6 month. I wish it could be sooner. but I can feel small pains where the baby is moving around. This is so amazing, having life growing inside of you. I can't hardly fathom it sometimes.

Until some other time when I feel like talking

I'm sitting here in the computer lab, knowing I need to be working on my career choices class, but it's snowing outside and all I can think about is finding a junk yard and stealing a car hood to go sledding in. This might be the only good snow of the whole year! I can't miss out on something as important as that over something as silly as an education. Besides, those car hoods can FLLLLY!!! And I have the perfect hill in my back yard to try it out on. It's gonna be a blast. Mom and I used to get up at 3 or 4 in the morning when I was a little girl, fix us both hot coa-coa and then she would take me out to play in the snow. No doubt it was freezing, but I loved it. The snow lit up the entire hillside in the night's darkest hour.

I'm glad to be back.

I don't know how I'm not going to go out of my mind but I'm taking a semester off of school. And yes everyone always warns me, "once you stop you'll never go back!" That's a bunch of bull really, unless I was looking for an excuse to quit school like some people do. But Dad's lung surgery, if he survives it, is going to require 24-7 treatment and supervision, and GUESS WHO gets that fun job! I love my daddy, gotta be there for him. That and I have already failed my math class this semester which never should have happened. I think about a quote in "Sam's letters to Jennifer" by James patterson that says, "Sometimes life just happens like that - we look to the future for life to begin until we realize that the things happening in the present are the future and we began life a long time ago." Point? Whether I stay in school or not, this is my present, this is my life, and I've got to make decisions based on what I think it should be about. That's all my rant for the day.

Life has changed; drastically. In fact, life is becoming just that..life. "What? You mean I have to support myself rather than running to mommy and daddy all the time?" - yeah, pretty much. I packed the necessities yesterday, although it doesn't look like I'll have the apartment for quite a while. But God has provided me with a lot of good friends - what goes around does come around, and I know that the people I've helped are reaching out to me now. Neat how things work that way. You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Whether you're giong to be practically homeless, a millionaire or in the Cali drug cartel. At least for a Christian God can use it for your good and his glory.

I haven't really eaten much lately - barely a meal a day - mainly because things are so intense. I lost three pounds in three days...I'm kind of enjoying that part of it :) A new chapter in my life is finally being opened. It's funny how learning who you really are is so different from who you thought you'd find yourself to be. It's easy to have everything handed to you and be a Christian - telling others the promises and provision of God and then going home to a cosey bed and three free meals a day. Now it's time for life; to pray those promises yourself and watch miracles happen - regardless what happens, K sera sera, and I'll be serving God till the end. I don't know if I have a secure job right now - we'll see soon hopefully. I'm meeting a lot of new people, new friends, having new experiences - it's becoming a lot of fun but a lot of responsibility too. Sometimes when you think you're grown up something happens that makes you want to run back home so mommy can kiss your boo boo. But I wouldn't trade this time of life for anything in the world. God is always faithful, provided I am in his will...actually, even when I'm not, he has overflowing mercy and grace on me and that makes me love him even more. He is a good father.

The only thing that is suffering right now are classes. Man I wish I still had my 4.0, but when it comes to anything math, forget it. I'm even passing logic class with a great grade, but throw numbers into the equation and you might as well be speaking turkish to me. So until I get my life at least partially straightened out, here is a favorite little tune of mine:

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind breath softly at your back
May the sun rise warm upon your face
and the rains, fall soft upon your hills,
until we meet again my friend,
until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of his hand

Well, Dad's test results came back today. Yes, he is positive for lung cancer. They'll have to run some more tests (whoever "they are") to see if he is able to go through surgery. If not, we'll be starting the Chemotherapy ASAP.

(sigh) The greatest challenge now for me in my Christian life is applying what God has done and spoken through me to other people to my own life. He's healed others through my own hands. Will he heal my dad? He's saved other people who were completely hopeless and turned their lives around. Will he do so before my dad dies? And if he survives, will he be serving God in the time he has left? Most questions are unanswered thus far, but at least I have a few I can cling to. I can trust him. He's in control. And "he will do all things for the good of those who love him." (sigh) Thank God this wretched hunk of dirt is just a fading memory - life hasn't even really begun yet.